Influenza does more than just make you sick

Many conspiracy theorists out there claim that the Flu Shot is another way Big Pharma manipulates and controls us. Some people believe that the Flu Shot is filled with more than just a vaccine to prevent the so-called “virus” influenza. These people believe that the Flu Shot also contains elements that keep humans docile.

These conspiracy theorists are wrong.

The people who believe this theory think that because the people getting the flu shot are typically middle to upper class white basic bitches and chads. AKA people who have always conformed because that’s all they know how to do.

The truth of the matter is that Influenza is itself an actual alien.

It feeds off the minor miseries and slight sufferings of people.

The influenza alien lives for three days to two weeks within one host, making the host experience the feeling any host feels when someone tries to take over its body (headaches, chills, fatigue etc). The influenza alien reproduces when the host’s bodily fluids mix with the next host’s bodily fluids (often in the form of spit).

The influenza alien does not like to live within one host for too long. It gets bored. That’s why it typically jumps overboard to the next one, spreading itself around, enjoying its time making humans feel like shit.

influenza_alien

One conspiracy theorist we talked to claims that the Illuminati sent the influenza alien here as a test to see if humans could handle living on other planets with other aliens who could potentially be fatal to us.

Turns out we can’t.

At least not very well.

Another conspiracy theorist thinks that the influenza alien snuck on a spaceship when the Tall Whites stopped at a filling station on their way to planet Earth.

“Well, I wouldn’t say the influenza alien ‘snuck on’ so much as got stuck to the bottom of one of the Tall White’s foot while he was like, in the restroom or whatever. Sort of like when we step in a piece of gum and carry it with us for the rest of the time we have the shoes. Little strands of the gum dry and fall off. Kind of like that.” -anonymous conspiracy theorist source mumbled over the phone.

The main reason the influenza alien has been able to live on this planet for so long as an alien is because people can’t grasp the idea that an alien doesn’t have to look like a tall big-headed bald dude with big fly-eyes. People have a hard time believing that something not from this planet could actually be very tiny, not seen by human eye, it may, in fact, be many parts that make up a whole. It may even disguise itself as a virus to continue to go on living in its hosts.

What better camouflage than pretending to be something you’re not in order to not get killed? It’s brilliant really, scientists will keep trying to figure out how to destroy the virus when really they should be focusing on how to kill the alien. Some may be yelling right now, “what’s the difference?!” And we’d say to them that the difference is in the word choice, and the words that are chosen mean different things.

If you have the influenza alien inside of you, the only thing you can really do is hide in your bed for three days to two weeks until it goes away–and of course, drink plenty of fluids–the influenza alien has been known to hate orange juice and the blue color of Gatorade.