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The REAL Truth Behind Valentine’s Day

Big Pharma, Valentine’s Day, LOVE

For decades people have complained about the commercialization of Valentine’s Day. Many conspiracy theorists and angsty teenagers have made claims that the holiday was created as a way for Hallmark to make money.

But what if Hallmark has always been just a scapegoat?

Do people really think Hallmark is making that much bank selling thick paper that folds in half with sappy writings on it?

Please.

Sure, maybe the chocolate and flower companies are making an extra mil or two, but even that’s nothing in comparison to the true culprit behind this holiday.

Take a moment and really think about who could benefit from a massive celebration of love.

It could only be one thing.

That’s right. Big Pharma.

What The Conspiracy has uncovered the truth!

When people express their love they have sex.

Some heterosexual people are responsible when they have sex and they use birth control. According to the CDC, 62% of women of reproductive age are currently using contraception (and this was a study in 2012, mind you). 28% of those women are on the pill. That’s 10.6 million women on the pill. If it costs women between $160-$600 every year that means Big Pharma makes a ridiculous amount of money from that alone.

But it’s not that alone.

If 62% of women of reproductive age use contraception that means 38% do not. You know how Big Pharma makes the most money? From people.

If people express their love with sex on a holiday that was designed specifically for people to do just that, that means that there’s a pretty good chance that a bunch of heterosexual women are going to end up pregnant! This means there will be even more people in the world who can be convinced they need to take Big Pharma pills.

Love = Sex = More People.

More People = More Pills = More Money.

Greeting cards?

Please.

This is not about greeting cards.

The greeting cards, the chocolate, the wine, the dinner reservations, these are all just elements that go into a much bigger conspiracy.

Big Pharma wants you to “fall in love,” because they want you to have sex. They want you to have sex so you will have babies. These babies will then need Prozac because they have to live with you (and you’ll need it if you’re living with a baby).

pregnant_WTC

So, Big Pharma is the one who has been behind Valentine’s Day all along (maybe not ALL along, but since it became popular again in mainstream culture).

Also, Rom-Coms and the Kardashians. Because when there’s an impossible standard for both love and beauty most people make themselves sick over it until they need medication to overcome the trauma of not being good enough.

Study Finds Tinder App Turning People Into Trash

Tinder App Designed to Turn Humans Into Trash?

Recent undercover agents have discovered that the popular dating app Tinder is actually not a dating app at all but a computer database designed to turn humans into digital-to-literal disposable commodities.

Tinder_WTC_1
Pitmon, 23, enjoying the first few days of her life on Tinder before drastically being transformed into a plastic water bottle.

Sally Pitmon, 23, a poli-sci graduate student coming out of a major break-up decided to “go for it,” and downloaded the Tinder app three days go. In just the first day she had already 50 matches.

“I don’t know,” Pitmon said, “I probably have swiped left on over 200 potential matches. I’m beginning to feel like these people aren’t even people anymore.”

Bryan Bode, 26, CPA, whom Pitmon swiped left on, and who has been on and off Tinder for two years, said this:

“I basically don’t even feel like a person anymore. It’s like I’m a plastic water bottle. You get me? I quench someone’s thirst and then I get thrown away.”

Tinder_Conspiracy
Bode, 26, contemplating if he’d rather jump into the eternal Mother Earth trashcan of life to then become a real-life ghost, or if he should return to quenching the thirst of thirsty women on Tinder, forever doomed to become a plastic water bottle of a man.

The undercover agents had this to say about their findings:

The brilliance of the dating app Tinder is its ability to utilize the positives and negatives of our capitalist system. We’ve narrowed it to 4 main components.

  1. Leverage people’s loneliness.  Make them feel like a connection to something real is just one message away.
  2. Design it so only superficialities can come through so no one gets attached or knows in advance they’re really wrong for the other person.
  3. Make it into a fun game! What’s more fun than scrolling through your phone imagining different people who could be the one (or the one for the night!).
  4. Create a sense of FOMO. Yes, a person could go out with another person who is funny, smart and hot, but make it feel like there is someone else out in the world who is funnier, smarter, hotter! The only way to truly know is to dismiss funny, smart, hot person (aka ghost them) and keep playing.

“That’s a bit extreme. I’m actually having a lot of fun!” Pitmon said after hearing the discoveries made by the undercover agents.

Bode, who happened to be in the same room as Pitmon and found out through one undercover agent’s slip of the tongue that Pitmon had indeed swiped left on him, rolled his eyes, “Says the new woman to Tinder. Just you wait.”

No comment on whether the tone of that “just you wait,” was menacing or not.

Needless to say, Bode will not be quenching Pitmon’s thirst.

And Tinder wins again.

 

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