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The REAL Truth Behind Valentine’s Day

Big Pharma, Valentine’s Day, LOVE

For decades people have complained about the commercialization of Valentine’s Day. Many conspiracy theorists and angsty teenagers have made claims that the holiday was created as a way for Hallmark to make money.

But what if Hallmark has always been just a scapegoat?

Do people really think Hallmark is making that much bank selling thick paper that folds in half with sappy writings on it?

Please.

Sure, maybe the chocolate and flower companies are making an extra mil or two, but even that’s nothing in comparison to the true culprit behind this holiday.

Take a moment and really think about who could benefit from a massive celebration of love.

It could only be one thing.

That’s right. Big Pharma.

What The Conspiracy has uncovered the truth!

When people express their love they have sex.

Some heterosexual people are responsible when they have sex and they use birth control. According to the CDC, 62% of women of reproductive age are currently using contraception (and this was a study in 2012, mind you). 28% of those women are on the pill. That’s 10.6 million women on the pill. If it costs women between $160-$600 every year that means Big Pharma makes a ridiculous amount of money from that alone.

But it’s not that alone.

If 62% of women of reproductive age use contraception that means 38% do not. You know how Big Pharma makes the most money? From people.

If people express their love with sex on a holiday that was designed specifically for people to do just that, that means that there’s a pretty good chance that a bunch of heterosexual women are going to end up pregnant! This means there will be even more people in the world who can be convinced they need to take Big Pharma pills.

Love = Sex = More People.

More People = More Pills = More Money.

Greeting cards?

Please.

This is not about greeting cards.

The greeting cards, the chocolate, the wine, the dinner reservations, these are all just elements that go into a much bigger conspiracy.

Big Pharma wants you to “fall in love,” because they want you to have sex. They want you to have sex so you will have babies. These babies will then need Prozac because they have to live with you (and you’ll need it if you’re living with a baby).

pregnant_WTC

So, Big Pharma is the one who has been behind Valentine’s Day all along (maybe not ALL along, but since it became popular again in mainstream culture).

Also, Rom-Coms and the Kardashians. Because when there’s an impossible standard for both love and beauty most people make themselves sick over it until they need medication to overcome the trauma of not being good enough.

Conspiracy Revealed: Groundhog Day No Longer Using Real Groundhogs to Determine Weather

Since the 1800s, Groundhog Day has been a North American tradition. Every year on February 2 a Groundhog comes out of its hole after a long winter sleep and looks for its shadow. If the groundhog sees its shadow it decides to return to its nice comfortable bed for the next six weeks because winter isn’t quite over; if it doesn’t see its shadow that means spring is on the way and it’s time to get out of bed and experience the beauty of the natural world.

But, a recent conspiracy theory suggests that for the past year, ever since President (and Illuminati member) Donald Trump was elected office, the groundhogs have been experiencing major to severe clinical depression.

Though the groundhogs know they’re supposed to get out of their hole, all of them have elected to just pass by the entire year and stay deep in their dark holes aka in their beds regardless of whether spring comes or not.

Conspiracy theorists are suggesting that if you’re at one of the hundreds of Groundhog Day celebrations across the country, whether it’s the largest Groundhog Day celebration held in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, where crowds as large as 40,000 gather each year or one of the smaller small town Groundhog day events, those groundhogs you see are not real.

That’s right. The groundhog that you see, is no groundhog at all.

Since all the groundhogs are too depressed to get out of their holes to see if it’s winter or spring, as it doesn’t matter to them whether it’s winter or spring because life sucks anyway, the groundhogs you’re seeing either in real life or on the mainstream media are in fact either robot groundhogs or burrower alien shape-shifter groundhogs.

These fake groundhogs only exist because the mainstream media doesn’t want the human population of people to get depressed over the fact that all the groundhogs are clinically depressed because that would cause way too much depression–and there isn’t enough Prozac in the world to go around (big Pharm may disagree, but that’s another theory for another day).

And so, hundreds of robot groundhogs have been built and where the robots can’t go the burrower alien shape-shifters shapeshift into groundhogs to take their place for the day–all in an attempt to cover-up the major groundhog depression plaguing the planet and allow humans to carry on–whether it’s 6 more weeks of winter or not.

Santa Claus, Big Brother, & You

The Santa Claus Myth is Your Reality

We all love that jolly man in the red suit, the one who, once a year sneaks into our house to leave us presents and eat all of our cookies. He’s just the best right?

Ho, ho, no.

santaclausbigbro

We teach our children about this myth and then, at some point, youthful innocence is corrupted and we’re turned into non-believers.

But, the truth is Santa is REAL.

Maybe not via the original storyline, but he’s definitely real in real life. According to the latest conspiracy theory, Santa Claus is actually Big Brother.

Think about it.

  1. He sees you when you’re sleeping.
  2. He knows when you’re awake.
  3. He knows when you’ve been bad or good.

Santa Claus has been monitoring us for decades.

Not only that, but there are hundreds of them at malls and shopping centers across the world, spying on your purchases, spying on who you are at your core. Sure, there may not be one patriarchal all-knowing all-seeing Santa Claus, but there are thousands of individuals ones who are working for “the man,” “the man” being the people in charge of keeping us simple consumers.

What does it mean to be bad these days anyway? To not buy, buy, buy, perhaps. (could N’sync’s song actually be about consumerism and not telling someone to go away!?!)

It’s silly to not believe in Santa Claus who is, in reality, Big Brother, who could in fact just be marketers trying to cookie you and overwhelm your social media with ads so you give them your money and then have no money and thus can no longer do the things you really want to do. Continuing to help you hinder your own passions and forgo your dreams.

You could be your own Santa Claus.

I mean, aren’t you the one really eating those cookies anyway?

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