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Alien Advice: Ex Texts, Tinder, and Bitches

Advice from an alien who knows humans best

Allie our resident alien ally answers humanity’s most pressing questions regarding love, loss, and life beyond this world.

Dear Allie the Alien,

Recently my ex-girlfriend sent me what I thought was a drunk text. Basically, it said, “I miss you. I want you back, you stupid fuck face.” I ignored it as any mature ex-boyfriend would do, but the next day she fires another one back. This time she texted, “Disregard earlier message. Aliens abducted my phone.”

The thing is, she has been abducted at least once when she was a child. At least according to her mother. So, could this text be true? Could aliens have taken her phone? Or is this just another one of her many many lies like the time she told me she could tie a cherry stem with her tongue and then just spit pieces of red sticky fruit at me??!

Sincerely,
Sick-of-Her-Shit-Steve

Dear Shit-Steve,

First off, Steve, my name is Allie the Alien. Not Allie the Able-Bodied Detective. Since I do not have access to either phone or any other information regarding your past relationship it would be hard for me to conclude one way or the other. I’ll try my best here though. As you are aware from coming to the What the Conspiracy website at least once in your life, there are many many species of aliens.

There are tall aliens. Short aliens. Aliens that humans can’t see with their own eyes. Aliens that can read people’s minds. Aliens that can invade human bodies and take over their lives. Aliens that eat baby giraffes.

And of course cellphone aliens.

These are aliens that feed off the misery of miscommunicated or badly communicated text messages. Basically, anytime someone ghosts someone, texts something shady, rude, or just the letter, ‘k,’ and of course, any time a dick pic crosses from one phone to the next, these cellphone aliens eat that shit up. They thrive on it.

alien text
Ex text or alien text?

Cellphone aliens typically do not send the texts themselves though. And the message: “I miss you. I want you back, you stupid fuck face.” Doesn’t sound like language this subsect of aliens ever uses. I don’t want to call her ex-girlfriend a liar, but if she’s the type of person who spits “pieces of red sticky fruit” at her boyfriend then I wouldn’t put it past her to conclude that she made the alien thing up because she was embarrassed that she showed her vulnerability to you in a text slip up while she was under the influence of alcohol. Of course, maybe she wasn’t intoxicated, even if she were, intoxication is often used as an excuse to justify behavior the person truly wanted to do to begin with.

I’d say she misses her stupid shit-steve fuck face. This has nothing to do with aliens. Except for the cellphone aliens that are getting mad-fat from your terrible communication exchange.

I’d suggest if you’re sick of her shit then you should block her number and delete her from all your social media. If you are only pretending to be sick of her shit because you know she’s crazy but you still want to be with her, maybe just text her and get back together? As an alien, I don’t really care what humans do with their genitals and/or lives, but this is a paying gig so here I am answering your stupid ass questions. Good luck out there Shit-Steve, whichever way you decide to go.

Yours,
AA

Yo Allie the Alien,

Why are all the bitches on tinder so boring?!?!

-Out-of-Boinks-in-the-Burbs

Dear Boink-less

Hmm. Perhaps they’re “boring,” because you call them bitches? As an alien I can tell you most certainly that humans get what they put out into the world. Yes. I’m talking energy-wise. So, if you’re calling bitches ‘bitches’ than you’re probably also a bitch. And if you think these bitches are boring then maybe you’re just projecting your own boringness onto them?!?!

boring tinder dates
Boring Tinder Bitch or Badass Bitch?

If we stop for a moment to disregard your terrible phrasing and look at this as a real question then I’d have to say that maybe you should reevaluate what you’re looking for and where you’re looking for it? What the Conspiracy did an investigative article into Tinder just months ago and concluded that Tinder is turning people into Trash. Like, literal trash. I don’t know about you, but trash doesn’t possess much entertainment value, nor is it something you’d want to stick your dick into… (or into you if you’re female).

The thing is if you think someone is boring try asking different questions. It could be that they need a specific topic in order to come to life. If this doesn’t work, drop them. Quickly. Move away as fast as you can and then continue searching because the weirdos and freaks, the artists and creatives, the people who can truly arouse you physically and mentally, they do exist. Don’t expect them to all be on Tinder though. Again, Tinder is a proven trash factory.

Yours,
AA

The REAL Truth Behind Valentine’s Day

Big Pharma, Valentine’s Day, LOVE

For decades people have complained about the commercialization of Valentine’s Day. Many conspiracy theorists and angsty teenagers have made claims that the holiday was created as a way for Hallmark to make money.

But what if Hallmark has always been just a scapegoat?

Do people really think Hallmark is making that much bank selling thick paper that folds in half with sappy writings on it?

Please.

Sure, maybe the chocolate and flower companies are making an extra mil or two, but even that’s nothing in comparison to the true culprit behind this holiday.

Take a moment and really think about who could benefit from a massive celebration of love.

It could only be one thing.

That’s right. Big Pharma.

What The Conspiracy has uncovered the truth!

When people express their love they have sex.

Some heterosexual people are responsible when they have sex and they use birth control. According to the CDC, 62% of women of reproductive age are currently using contraception (and this was a study in 2012, mind you). 28% of those women are on the pill. That’s 10.6 million women on the pill. If it costs women between $160-$600 every year that means Big Pharma makes a ridiculous amount of money from that alone.

But it’s not that alone.

If 62% of women of reproductive age use contraception that means 38% do not. You know how Big Pharma makes the most money? From people.

If people express their love with sex on a holiday that was designed specifically for people to do just that, that means that there’s a pretty good chance that a bunch of heterosexual women are going to end up pregnant! This means there will be even more people in the world who can be convinced they need to take Big Pharma pills.

Love = Sex = More People.

More People = More Pills = More Money.

Greeting cards?

Please.

This is not about greeting cards.

The greeting cards, the chocolate, the wine, the dinner reservations, these are all just elements that go into a much bigger conspiracy.

Big Pharma wants you to “fall in love,” because they want you to have sex. They want you to have sex so you will have babies. These babies will then need Prozac because they have to live with you (and you’ll need it if you’re living with a baby).

pregnant_WTC

So, Big Pharma is the one who has been behind Valentine’s Day all along (maybe not ALL along, but since it became popular again in mainstream culture).

Also, Rom-Coms and the Kardashians. Because when there’s an impossible standard for both love and beauty most people make themselves sick over it until they need medication to overcome the trauma of not being good enough.

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